geoiggs

The last few days I have been doing nothing but whining………….since things I haven’t gone perfect for me……..I have been acting like a little bitch………with all this negativity that we are surrounded with………..people are worried for their financial lives…………wondering if we can house and feed our families………..and I am sitting around like a gloomy gus……..because I cant stop eating…………

I read somewhere…….to improve your life you need to stop complaining………..this author threw out a challange……….try to go 24 hours straight without compaining to anyone or yourself………and if you find yourself complaining you have to reset the clock……….well of course it is impossible to do………..but the exercise has taught me to be conscious of this destructive thought pattern.

yesterday I was still feeling despaired and helpless about trying to controll my eating………I was sluggish in the am……..Saturday is my good gym day………I do 45 minutes weights and an hour cardio……..feeling sorry for myself I was debating about going to the gym yesterday……….I finally got myself moving but there was a compromise…………forget the weights and just do cardio………..cardio is a drug for me………it is equivalent of taking anti-depressant drugs……..halfway to the gym yesterday……I realized I left my I-Pod behind………oh shit……..what should I do should I go back home and get it…………or just work out with………I was in a real pissy mood……..just go and the hell with…………park at the gym………..and that’s when I realized I left my iced vitamin water behind………..this is almost to much to bare now…………I was about to say the hell with it ……………..God isnt work with me today…………just go home and wallow and do some more eating…….that is the point when it hit me…………..you are an effing A-hole……….just stop your damn whining……….

I had a great workout yesterday…………….did 90 minutes of cardio…………and I ate really well all day yesterday……….it wasnt a perfect day………..went out socially Saturday evening…………..and didnt stick to diet food……..but that’s okay…………I do the right thing about 90% of the time…………and its okay if I wasn’t perfect……….eventually I will the lose the weight I want to lose……….

My latest slide started last week and it continues………..I dont like the place that I am at………if I knew how to stop it………….I would………..

yesterday I woke up did 45 mintues cardio am………….ate a healthy breakfast………….did another 45 minutes of cardio at lunch………..ate a healthy lunch………..physcially I felt great for a Friday……….dindnt have that just barely making it to the finish line feeling……..

before diner………..Im at about 750 calorie of food…………..and 900 calories defecit just from exercise……..this makes a good diet formula………….

the only problem I having is that the fat brain is just out of control………..the fat brain is the one that unpredictible it behavior is physcotic………….if you have ready any my past blogs…………the fat brain is full of anger, frustation and just not being friendly………

I have all sorts of good food in the house…………so this should be simple………..come home not that hungry eat a healthy dinner………a healthy snack………..do some reading………go to bed…………and bammo you have a good diet day under you belt and maybe the next day you could do the same………….and before you know it the fat brain is feeling good and you can continue along with your journey…………

when I got home………..the GF is working late…………there is a surprise when I get home……..her brother and sister are over at the house…………okay wasnt expecting this…..so my plan is starting to change………….

first problem……………this a couple bags filled with KFC……….just what I need………..at first I resist the temptation………..I pop 100 calorie FF popcorn………it sort of satisfies takes my mind off of the KFC………….not for long though………next trip into the kitchen……….I start peeking at the stuff……..damn this stuff smells so good………..put on a pot of coffee……..and leave the kitchen……….next trip………..even though my mind  hasnt been thinking about the KFC………it was nagging me to the core………..and I soon as I went back into the kitchen………..I had to investigate and see what was in the bags…………..with out any thought……….there was a bisquit in my hand as I headed back to the den………the bisquit really didnt taste that good it was cold and I didnt bother to put gravy on it…………without thinking I wound up back in the kitchen snatch a piece of chicken and went back into the den………….at this point my mind was trying to figure out which way this night was going to go………….okay George you already cheated by eating the bisquit and one strip………now you go the choice you can go make a salad and eat your dinner entree or since you already started just eat the KFC for dinner…………….

which do you think I ate for dinner……………wrong I had the salad and my nutri-system entree…………..I wish………….I broke down and made my plate of KFC………..7 strips, corn the cob, mac and cheese, mashed and gravy……….now I had the excuse that it just didnt matter what I rest for the rest of the night………….topped dinner off with 2 brownies………..a stale chocolate covered donut……….since I have been on a diet this box of Entermanns has been on top of the fridge for the past 3 weeks…………..had 3 scoops of ice cream………..then munched on some cheese doodles………….did well here didnt eat the whole bag…………and to top the night off my daughter came home with Dominos at 1130 pm…………I thought it would be prudent to eat 3 slices of pizza before I went to bed……… 

So Friday is behind me………..sitting here this morning…………to help matters out……….I have the beginnings of cold…………you know either you are going to get it or you might escape it and it just be the snifles………I get very cranky when I dont feel well and to make myself better I just sit around and eat……….sitting here having my first cup of coffee…….will eat some fruit……….and then head out to the gym to see if I could get the ship back on course………I know I can control myself during the day…………I will be good all day………..tonight we have plans to go out…………and I dont see myself in any kind of position to make a plan to eat right and not drink too much……….I dont like being in this stage of mind………..but I really dont have control…………the fat brain is running the show right now…………

yes I am beating myself up………and I really need to do it………my wieght gain for the week is 1 1/2 lbs……..I am a failure……..I choose to do this to myself…..there are no excuses………because every time I start getting a handle on losing or controlling my weight………..I sub-conciously sabotage my efforts…….no matter how much I try to train my brain……..my inner core……..caves in……….

I admit I am totally embarassed that I have no controll over food…………it rules my world………as with all addictions……….it pretends to be our friends……..but eventually the addictive substance betrays us………….food has betrayed me all my life……….

being fat has negatively affected my whole life……….my self esteem is shot………my diet was most likely the cause of my cancer………my trouble with women stems from being FAT……….

NO……………I will not stop beating myself up………….it is necessary that I pound myself into submission……….

I will beat this un-healthy attraction to food…………….which is eating in excess…….eating fatty fried foods………eating candy until I puke………eating when bored…….eating to celebrate………eating to fight stress……….eating when feeling unloved……….eating when angry……..

when I exercise and eat correctly I am a clear thinking very productive person……..when I start binging I become very lethargic and fuzzy in the head………….

If it kills me I am going to learn how to use food the way God intended and that is to fuel the body to meet daily challanges of life……………I need to eat 90% of the time simply to fuel the body…………and leave 10% for pleasure, stress releif and the like…………and that 10% cannot be a binge……..

Last weekend I binged……….and really an all out binge………and I havent been the same since…….have not had a complete good diet day since………mentally I know what to do……….but subconciously it is not kicking…………there is something in my inner core that wants to punish me for not controlling my binge from last weekend………..

today is weigh in day………….and I have no idea where I will be at…….normally I weigh myself during the week………didnt do it………..because I wanted to get back on track……I thought if I didnt weigh myself………it would give me the answer to diet really well and try to see a loss for the week…………but it might not have worked………because I ate candy 2 nights this week and ice cream out of the container one night……….last night I ditched my nutri-system meal………..and had 3 slices of pizza instead………and a night cap of brownies……….

getting to the title of my blog………..my weekly exercise on average are…………….725 minutes on the elipitcal machine…………225 minutes of weight training…….I am a dedicated exerciser…………thats why I am typing at 0500………..its 10 degrees out and I have shorts on and will be heading to the gym to workout……….I do this every workday…………and at lunch time……..I go to the gym again………..there is one at my work place and do 45 minutes ond the eliptical machine……….

so if exercise was a way to lose weight…………I should be Nicole Ritchies size………..but I am not………..I have lost a good deal of weight…………but still need to lose some more……….not much……….I now offically at the rambling stage not sure what message that I am trying to convey………

I guess the message is that we food challanged people are messed up to the core……….what makes me go from a weight losing machine to a babbling idiot………..this is what I need to figure out………..

today is weigh in day………….and I am not looking forward to it……………if the number is higher I know why and I can beat myself up for not being able to train the most important muscle in our body……..not sure what the muscle is called but it is the one that is used to close our mouth and to stop eating………….worse yet………..if for some reason I post a lost…………then this will be in my brain that you can eat like crap and still lose weight……

I am convinced the only way to lose weight is with proper diet…………and exercise to enhance a healthy life style………..

breakfast……………..hard boiled egg 70 c, light whole wheat eng muffin 110 c

lunch………………….zone bar 160c, fat-free popcorn 100c

the rest of the day:

60 ounces of wine………….1500 c

5 white castle burgers…….1000 c

10 chicken wings………….1200 c

nice size handful of nuts…….250 c

10 pigs in the blanket     750 c

dish of nacho dip and 15 chips………..750c

2 bagel bites……………..100 c

1 jamaican beef patty…….150 c

1 slice of chocolate cake  350 c

some potato chips………..150 c

but I did remember to exercise……….unfortuantely I only did an hour of cardio and 40 minutes on the weights…………I think I should have done about 8 hours of cardio and I might have been okay…….

glad Super Bowl Sunday only happens once a year……….would not weigh myself today……which I always do on Monday to see how I did on the weekend………plus I didnt go to the gym this morning too tired………..great game……….didnt want to get the fat brain going crazy by seeing a weight gain………my weigh in day is Friday……….I will stay off the scale all week……….my fat brain is very fragile at this time………